December 27, 2012
My name is Sukov Blyatovich and I am 29 years old. I graduated from Vodka Ruski University and I am currently a bartender in Germany. My father was a Russian and my mother was a German, so after my mother died I moved to Russia with my father. However, my father died of cancer at the age of 69 when I was 25, leaving me alone in this big world. Today, I was working at the bar when my friend, Dmitri Petrenkov walked in, drunk as a newborn russian. "MY FRIEND!" He exclaimed. "WE HAVE GOOD TIME!" He screamed, slamming his fist down on the table that he had just sat down on. "Hey Dmitri Fuckov, where have you been?" I asked. "I GO TO MUSEUM, SEE GREAT LEADER STALIN!" He replied, showing me a selfie of him standing in front of a portrait of Adolf Hitler. "My friend, that is not Great Leader Stalin, That is Great Leader Hitler." I said, taking his phone and examining the picture. "Why are you drunk, anyway?" I asked Dmitri. "I'M NOT DRUNK!" He screamed, grabbing his phone and throwing it out of the window. He immediately screamed and jumped out the window, yelling, "MY CAR!" he landed on a pile of snow 10 feet below, seeing as the bar was on the second floor of a commercial building. I ran downstairs, my apron flapping behind me as I ran to my friend. He was sprawled on the ground, and he seemed to be winded, but he wasn't bleeding, so that was a relief. "Are you okay?" I asked him, offering him a hand when I saw some kind of picture on the floor, next to the building. I picked up the picture, and looked at it. It seemed to be some kind of faded family photo, and as I looked closer, I noticed a few familiar faces. I saw Adolf Hitler, and a couple of younger people. I then saw somebody who looked suspiciously like my grandfather. "Dmitri, does this belong to you?" I asked, showing him the picture. "MY FRIEND YOU MUST NOT TELL ANYBODY I STOLED IT FROM THE MUSEUM OF GREAT COMMUNISM!" He screamed at the wall, then looked around, worried that people might've heard him. "It's okay, I won't tell anybody." I said, then tucked the picture into my coat pocket. I helped up my friend, then gave him a ride home and went back to work.
Later that night, I went home and sat down on the edge of my bed and took of my heavy coat, setting down my bottle of vodka on my nightstand. The picture that I had found was interesting, and I took out the family records that I had recieved from my grandmother earlier today. I flipped through the pages, until I finally reached the records on my mother's side. I flipped the page, and there was somebody I never expected to see. "ADOLF HITLER: April 20, 1889-April 30, 1945" I dropped the book in surprise, and took a sip of vodka to calm my nerves. "Holy shit... My great-grandfather was Great Leader Hitler?" I asked myself. I took another sip of vodka, then another. I slowly fell asleep, then when I woke up, I was not in bed, I was lying on the floor, and when I opened my eyes, there was a pair of black leather boots right in front of my eyes. The boots were attached to a pair of legs, and the legs were attached to a torso, and the torso was attached to the head which belonged to a very, very familliar and terrifying face. I screamed like a little bitch and scrambled away from the man who was standing in my room. "Hitler?" I screamed. The man slowly turned his head to face me. "FICK SIE ENKEL!" He yelled, pointing at me. "SIE SIND EINEN BLICK AUF DIE BLUTLINE VON HITLER!" I stared at him blankly. "I... I don't understand what you are saying.." I said. "Ya neznayo Nemetskogo yazuk" (Which is russian for I don't know german) Hitler started to levitate, and he began to glow red. "YOU MUST KILL ALL THE JEWS! COME TO AUSCHWITZ AND MEET YOUR FATE" He then dissapeared in a flash of light, and I fainted.
A few weeks later, I was sitting in the middle of the ruins of the Nazi concentration camp. I was being chased by Hitler's ghost Nazi army, and the ghost jews were all chasing me too because I made them angry by pillaging their corpses and stealing their coins. I lied down and tried to die by stabbing myself in the chest. I slowly died as I typed out this story and posted it on a website to get my story known. Hitler's ghost will come and find you if you read this cryptic message out loud. "Feud of us bye kilovolt as a it." I am now slowly losing consciousness and wish to warn any readers that read the message out loud. If you anger the spirit of hitler, your mom will spank you and force you to become jewish.