Note: the errors in this pasta are intentional, do not edit them out, please.
I'm feeling guilty since the last ritual I presented here was aimed exclusively to people in shape, so here's one specifically written for lazy and possibly over-weight people. If you just can't spend a good four hours on the sofa, or if you are an obnoxious jock who just can't help but show everyone how awesome and well trained he is, stay away from this ritual.
The items needed for this ritual are very few and easy to find. One of them is most likely already in your possession: a TV. Next, you need a couch. Another piece of forniture where you can sit on simply won't work, but it will not spell doom upon you with the monster/demon/entity slaughtering you or whatever, because really that has started to get annoying and doesn't make any sense, anyway.
Finally, you need a remote control and as many packs of your favourite snacks as you can get, you'll see why later. Mind that a functioning remote control is indispensable for your safety, be sure that it functions properly and, if necessary, change the batteries as to not being left down in the middle of the ritual and suffer dire consequences. As an optional item, you could use a book, but it will significantly lower the challenge, as you will see later.
Now, onto the actual ritual! Sit on your couch at twelve o' clock in the night and turn on your television on whatever channel you like, anyone will work, as long as it is showing a very stupid and annoying program. If you live in Italy you will have the most luck finding one, but I believe that in whatever country you live in you will have no trouble finding a TV program of that sort. Have your snacks by your side on the couch, but don't eat a single one of them, yet.
While watching, think of how, for a chance, you would like to watch a different TV program, maybe one where an other-wordly entity tries to kill you from the TV screen. Do this as hardly as you can for fifteen minutes, then get up and mess with the TV cables till you get statics or a blank black screen, then sit down again on the couch.
Now, say out loud three times: "Is here something decent to watch?". It is better that no one else is in your house with you, or else some of them could hear you and come checking out on you, causing the ritual to fail. Not to mention that they could think that you are a real loon who talks to the television in the middle of the night, when every sane person should be sleeping. If done correctly, you will start to see the shape of a man between the statics, or a shape of a different shade of black if the screen is blank black.
That's it, you just summoned an entity which I will call with the super original name of TV man (if you're so smart, why don't you think of a name, then?). Once summoned, the TV man will immediately try to come out of the screen and drive you insane by flooding your mind with teleshoppings, newscasts, all of the exit polls of the past 30 years, presidential speechs and, worst of all, afternoon talk shows. So I guess that you want to know how to stop him from doing that.
It's really simple, you have to look away from him. Yes, exatly that, not keep eye contact with him, like you have probably thought, because television can't harm you if you don't watch it. But here's the challenge, because many people aren't able to look away from a television as long as it's turned on, even if it's showing statics or a blank screen.
If you have the book, start reading it. You will pass time easily while keeping your eyes away from TV man and you will really piss him off, since reading and watching television are polar opposites. Not to mention that you will enrich your knowledge, tough I don't know if that's a thing you are totally down with. However, if you choose to do this, you will hear at some point a loud crackling from the TV, meaning that TV man is gone away.
Keep in mind that the time spent reading needed to get rid of TV man varies according to the kind of book you are reading. The more brain stimulating it is, the better. So, a kids book will take a long time to banish him, while Hemingway or Tolstoj will kill him off for good in just a couple of minutes (note: cheap novels for teenager will be next to ineffective). This is by far the best option, but if you are an authentic couch potato, it's unlikely that you will willingly read a book, even if it's for saving you from a malicious entity. As a matter of fact, no one who has tried this ritual has choose this option, except me.
If don't have a book, or if you don't feel like reading, looking away from TV man will prevent him from attacking you, but won't make him go away. In this case, you have to grab your remote and frantically change channel without looking at the TV, making TV man sick. Eventually you will hear the crackling, but at that point you could find yourself in two different scenarios:
- You look at the TV and find out that TV man is gone away. In this case, turn off your TV using the remote and go to bed. End of the ritual.
- You look at the TV but find out that TV man tricked you into a false sense of safety and he's still there and it's trying to get out of the TV. In this case, quickly yell insults at him, like: "You bet you have a share of 0.0000000001%" or "Watching the latest Futurama seasons was more entertaining than watching you". This will most likely make him go away, hurt. However if he doesn't, show him that you don't fear him, by saying: "You don't scare me, see? I will eat you like this!" and prove it by eating one of your snacks at a time. At every Oreo you eat, he will become less visible, blending with the statics around him or the blankness of the screen, untill he will completely disappear. Once he's gone, turn off the TV using the remote. Keep in mind that this may require a lot of snacks to eat, thus the need to have a lot of them, like said above. Should you have to perform this ending, it's highly reccomended to skip breakfast the next morning.
So, one way or another, that's the end of the ritual. Keep in mind, though, that it won't be safe for you to look directly at TVs showing statics or blank screens at night anywhere, anymore (guess you didn't see this coming, eh?). Remember also to always use the remote during this ritual, if you get near the television to turn it off or change channel manually, TV man will pull you inside the television where you will stay forever, even shortly after you ended the ritual. By the way, if you ended the ritual with the first ending, using the book, you are completly safe whatever you will do after. Lastly, I am not responsible of possible indigestions caused from too much Oreos.
Pay at your own fisk.
A disasterpiece made by Grand Albert
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