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I was a normal kid and decided to buy Splatoon. Going to Best Buy, I found the game to be too expensive so I found a cheap copy sold by some shady old guy on eBay with the box art missing... I proceed to turn on the game, and was surprised when the intro screen was not of a bedroom but instead what looks like a basement covered in darkness. As I stared at the TV screen, there was a moment where I saw a kid staring at me in the darkness and turned into a squid with HYPER-REALISTIC EYES! but only for a split second. A brief glance at the gamepad showed that the map looked like a hyper-realistic skull, but at the time I thought nothing of it.

A few minutes later, the game booted up but Marie and Callie were... different. Marie and Callie look as though they havn't had sleep for days and behind them were pictures of hyper-realistic squids with hyper-realistic red ink dripping down on hyper-realistic fishing poles. I didn't know who was controlling the fishing poles, but I didn't hyper-realistically question it. Later, I decided to play online. When I attempt to enter the Inkopolis Tower, the door won't open, and the music fade out to distorted screaming in the background. I tried to click on the Lobby option on the gamepad, but all that was shown was the same picture of hyper-realistic squids on hyper-realistic fishing poles before immediately disappearing.

So instead I went to the arcade machine to play some Squid Jump. However, instead of Squid Jump, the game was named "Jump.exe" with a dead octopus on top of the letters. Under the title were the year 666 and the phrase "©Satan". After I pressed start, I found out that I was playing as a hyper-realistic Octarian who jumps off a building and then A SKELETON POPPED OUT AND SPOOPED ME!!! It was pretty spooky, so I immediately turned off my Wii U.

A few days later, I played the game again and tried to play Single Player. As I walked to the grate which would take me to Octo Valley, I noticed that most characters were also hyper-realistic squids, except for Spyke, who wasn't even in the game and was replaced with a single Super Sea Snail that was surrounded by torn up pictures of dead sea urchins. Anyway, I tried to play Hero Mode but the screen flashed a small picture (which I think was a kid's hyper-realistic rotting corpse) and then suddenly the screen went all black, with loud creepy metal-scrapping-like noises. It appeared that my Wii U have crashed but a single line began repeating itself over and over: "you're a kid now". Out of nowhere, I heard a demonic whisper behind me say "I hate kids.". Suddenly, I was drenched in a slimy substance and felt myself growing smaller as the voice said "you're a squid now.". Reduced to nothing more than a puddle of ink with cartoonish eyes, I attempt to look up, but all I saw was a hyper-realistic giant squid who's name was Cthulhu. He then points a hyper-realistic Aerospray straight at my field of vision, then he said "you're dead now." and pulled the trigger. ****SPLAT****

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