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Masson Thief

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  • I was born on December 3
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  • I made a rough draft of that pasta I was thinking of expanding earlier. Here it is. If you're able to find time to read it, could you give me advice on how to improve it.

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    • Although I read it, it seems I am a bit late for advice, since you upload your story in the writer workshop of CPW; I suppose you'll get better help there than from anything I may tell you (at least I hope. It's CREEPYPASTA WIKIA, after all).

      I don't think your pasta is bad because it has a good concept. Also there are actually many pastas that are bad and are still on that wiki, so in my opinion your pasta should already stay there as it is now, without modifying it. But since you asked some advice, here are my two cents.

      • It seems the story begins like a urban legend ("The junior high students of Sterling Heights, Michigan often like to tell a ghost story about an abandoned basement") and then develops like a regular horror tale; I don't understand if the urban legend consists in all of the story or just the facts merely concerning "the basement" existence (with Perry's worse-than-death demise showed as a real event), perhaps you could drop the starting sentence and simply begin with the narration of the first student telling the others about the unsettling place.
      • About that, the school students background feels a little cheesy, it has indeed already been used a lot from youngsters trying to write creepypastas and I think you should come up with something more original.
      • How about:
      -a business man/lawyer waiting for two of his trusted men/collaborators to bring important papers they are bringing from another city for an upcoming meeting/trial
      - the two arrive and tell him they had to stop and enter "your" structure (not because of a storm or being out of fuel, obviously. I would suggest a paranormal bait for the two guys, like seeing someone they know inexplicably enter the basement-maybe "the protagonist" himself?);
      - they realize or tell right away they left the suitcase in the structure (seeing "their chief" enter the building could help explain why they brought the suitcase with them) claiming they left in a hurry and out of fear because of the place being scary but without being able to truly explain why it is scary; but they beg their chief to retrieve the suitcase himself
      - the protagonist regards the men's fears as plain stupidity (make him think his men's behaviour seems unusual if you want to add small hints about the ending)
      -the story continues as you wrote it
      • I am not english grammar expert but I think there are too many very short sentences, specifically in the part with the boy arriving at the building; since this is a raw version, are you planning on fixing this issue in an updated version?
      • there is practically no build up in your story, it just goes from a slightly creepy situation to utter terror about the protagonist disappearance. You could improve by adding a more scary atmosphere to the building description, maybe something about what is in there that cause this strange phenomenon. Some writers believes in explaining only a little to scare the reader more, but here nothing at all is explained, making the story more like SCP material.

      There is also the fact that this critique could be pointless and that an absence of build up could be useful to the story, but I don't know if the guys at CPW will like it.

      • the ending is frightening but also very abrupt. I would personally add some other terrifying elements like the protagonist sort of disappearing but remaining in reality becoming something less than a ghost, forever bound to the basement; understanding his men are gone just like him and that he met the same fate of them; I personally would end the story with the protagonist seeing another friend and colleague entering the basement, about to unknowingly meet his doom, with the protagonist aware he won't be able to do anything to prevent it and that he will probably be cursed to witness such horrible events forever.

      I hope I helped, remember these are just little ideas of mine that popped up in my mind after I read your story; obviously I am not the boss of your story and I wish your pasta is accepted in the version you like better.

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    • Good suggestions. You're not too late. Thanks for taking time to help me out.

      I'm not sure if I should make the pasta about business executives. If one of my employees left a suitcase in an abandoned place and asked me to go all the way too retrieve it, I'd tell him to do it. I wouldn't take time out of my day to fix his mistakes when he's responsible for it. I'm okay with using school students.

      I'll make sure to fix the short sentences. I might try to use show, don't tell for the descriptions as that might enhance my pasta.

      In the case of this story, I don't think I'll make a buildup which is very terrifying, because my goal is to make the basement seem normal up until Perry discovers the replica of himself. Of course, the place might unsettle him a little bit though, so that's why I included a few minor descriptions of paranoia felt by Perry such as hurrying up the staircase faster.

      I don't want to give too much details about what's going to happen to Perry, because I'm trying to make the ending succeed partly due to the fear of the unknown. I don't think that another friend would enter the basement though, because the students in my pasta only have one person enter it each week.

      Thabnk you so much for reading my pasta.

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    • BrianBerta wrote:

      I don't want to give too much details about what's going to happen to Perry, because I'm trying to make the ending succeed partly due to the fear of the unknown. I don't think that another friend would enter the basement though, because the students in my pasta only have one person enter it each week.

      Actually, I was trying to suggest to make him disappear but somehow being able to witness another person entering the house the next week, and being forced to watch his demise.

      I'm not sure if I should make the pasta about business executives. If one of my employees left a suitcase in an abandoned place and asked me to go all the way too retrieve it, I'd tell him to do it. I wouldn't take time out of my day to fix his mistakes when he's responsible for it. I'm okay with using school students.

      Okay, but just to clarify, with "business man/lawyer" I didn't mean a Trumpesque guy and two random employees (I agree this kind of guy would just fire them and have someone else fix the mess). I specified "trusted men" instead, implying that they are his main collaborators (only "a step below him" or something like that) and also two friends of him, does it make more sense now? I see I didn't properly explain my idea there probably because it's hard to explain a complete idea through message walls (at least for me). For some reasons I also pictured the basement to be not so far away from the guys' place.

      Anyway, if you want a general advice, try not to rush having a final version of this pasta. I would specifically suggest to pay careful attention to avoid any type of logical issues, it may take a bit of time but the final product will have a higher chance to stay on that wikia.

      And thank you for thinking It would have been a good idea to ask me for advice on your pasta. I am also interested in reading any further versions you may write.

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    • Actually, I was trying to suggest to make him disappear but somehow being able to witness another person entering the house the next week, and being forced to watch his demise.

      I see what you mean. However, I feel like it would be more memorable to leave what happens to him ambiguous and not give any details on what's going to happen to him.

      Okay, but just to clarify, with "business man/lawyer" I didn't mean a Trumpesque guy and two random employees (I agree this kind of guy would just fire them and have someone else fix the mess). I specified "trusted men" instead, implying that they are his main collaborators (only "a step below him" or something like that) and also two friends of him, does it make more sense now? I see I didn't properly explain my idea there probably because it's hard to explain a complete idea through message walls (at least for me). For some reasons I also pictured the basement to be not so far away from the guys' place.

      Even if the employee is his closest friend, I still can't see the emloyee going to the basement. I still feel like he'd make his friend do it instead. Besides, it might be harder to leave my story with the implication that more people are going to be lured to the basement in the future.

      Anyway, if you want a general advice, try not to rush having a final version of this pasta. I would specifically suggest to pay careful attention to avoid any type of logical issues, it may take a bit of time but the final product will have a higher chance to stay on that wikia.

      And thank you for thinking It would have been a good idea to ask me for advice on your pasta. I am also interested in reading any further versions you may write.

      I'll make sure to take my time when I write the final version. I might take a couple weeks to do so just to be on the safe side. Thanks for the advice.

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