Excerpt from some random web article I found on reddit:
OMINOUS UNKNOWN ISIS TERRORIST IS STILL AT LARGE.
After weeks of unexplained terrorist strikes, the ominous unknown bomber is still on the rise. After little evidence has been found, a young boy states that he survived one of the terrorists bombings and bravely tells his story.
"I had a bad dream about ponies and I woke up in the middle of the night at 6:66AM," says the boy, "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being locked shut before I went to bed with barbed wire, landmines, and turrets. I got up and entered in the emergency lockdown code once more. Afterwards, I simply crawled under my covers made of human skin and tried to get back to sleep, and dream about something less ponyish. That's when I had a strange feeling, like someone was planting a bomb under my bed. I looked up, and nearly jumped out of my human skin bed. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my human skin curtains, were a pair of two dead bodies. These weren't regular dead bodies; they were dark, ominous dead bodies. They were bordered in black and... just plain out terrified me. That's when I saw their mouth. A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said in a way only a mad man could speak.
"He said, 'allahu akbar' I let out a scream, that's what sent him chucking bombs at me. He pulled up a sticky grenade; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my human skin bed. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around, I breathed fire at him, I "The Matrix" style kicked him as the camera moved around me as I paused in midair, I used a piece of paper to knock him off of me (it actually worked), trying to knock him off me. That's when my dad busted in with an army tank. The man threw the grenade, it went into my dad's tank. The man probably would've finished him off, if one of the neighbors hadn't alerted the swat team, army, navy, marines, air force, coast guard, entire police force, North Korean military, and Jane the Killer.
"They drove into the army bunker, and ran towards the riot shields. The man turned and ran down the nuclear bomb testing area. I heard a smash, like c4 breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the bomb shelter wall that was pointing towards the back of my zombie-infested house was broken. He killed 17 soldiers in the process. I looked out it to see him vanish into the huanted forest. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. Those cold, evil eyes, and that psychotic smile. They will never leave my 2-headed body."
Donald Trump is still on the look for this man. If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local abandoned mental asylum with a bunch of blood and organs all over the walls and shit.
Jeff and his family had just moved into a new army base. His dad had gotten a promotion at EndOfTheWorld inc., and they thought it would be best to live in one of those "fancy" army bases. Jeff and his brother Liu couldn't complain though. A new, better house. What was not to love? As they were getting unpacked, one of the flying, fire-breathing robot zombies hybrid monster thingies came by.
"Hello," she said, "I'm going to fuck you up the ass; I live across the dead body storage warehouse from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to introduce my son." She turned her head completely around and called her son over. "Billy, these are our new neighbors." Billy screeched very loudly, bit the head over some random bitch, and ran back to play in his minefield.
"Well," said Jeff's mom, "I'm going to fuck you up the ass first you dumb bitch, and this is my husband Osama Bin Laden, but you can call him Laddie, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu." They each introduced themselves, and then that one bitch-ass invited them to her son's terrorist strike. Jeff and his brother were about to turn into werewolves and cause another massacre, when their mother said that they are lonely fuckoh's and they'd love to go. When Jeff and his family were done packing their shotgun display, Jeff went up to his mom, used a battering ram to kick open the door, kill 6 Russian spies, and he talked to her.
"Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's suicide club? If you haven't noticed, I'm not some depressed kid who is about to take his life."
"Jeff," said his mother, "We just moved here; we should show that we want to spend time eating our neighbors. Now, we're going to that suicide club, and that's final!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (50 glasses blew up when she screamed by the way) Jeff started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that the remote control grenades implanted into his body at his birth would kill him if he kept on complaining about a lack of terrorist strikes. Whenever his mom said something, it was final. Last year, their oldest son, Benny, was complaining, and then his Mom opened her mouth, wrapped her tongue around his neck, and swallowed him. He was never hear from again. Poor Benny:( He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He decided to play his favorite game, Majora's Mask, but when he started it, there were already 2 save files. One said "Ben" and the 2nd one said "Drowned". He decided to stop playing before this story would turn into a "Ben Drowned" ripoff. He sat there looking at the 66 dead bodies hanging from the ceiling by their eyeballs when suddenly, he got a weird feeling. Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling. He dismissed it as a boner. He heard his mother call him down to get his murder weapons, and he flew down to get them and shit.
The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his human intestines of a fuck he killed a few days ago, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again dismissed it as a boner. As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the army stop to go to war. They sat there waiting for the tank, and then, all of a sudden, some kid in an army tank jumped over them, only inches above their rifles. They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the fuck-fuck fuckity fuck of a fuckey fucking fucker you fuckoh? FUCK!!!!!"
The kid stopped and turned back to them. He kicked his army tank up in the air and caught it with his hands. The kid seems to be about thirty-ten; one year younger than Jeff. He wears a "Suicide is fun" shirt and bloody blue jeans.
"Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well (he's trying to break the Guiness record for most "well"s said in a minute). It looks like we got some new meat to shove up our asses." Suddenly, two other kids parachuted down from an army plane flying overhead. One was super skinny (he weighed 1 pound) and the other was huge (a billion pounds). "Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, over there is Keith." Jeff and Liu looked over to the skinny kid holding a bazooka. He had a Donald Trumpish face that you would expect a sidekick to have. "And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat kid. Talk about a tub of lard. They looked over to see a guy selling lard to people. They looked back. This kid looked like he hadn't exercised since the year 99999999999999999999999999999999.
"And I," said the first half robot kid, "am Randy. Now, for all the kids in this neighborhood there is a small price for army tank fare, if you catch my nukes I dropped." Some guy caught the nuke in his mouth. Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid's eyes so hard that his fist would fly out the back of his head when one of his friends pulled a banana on him. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk (people like repeating things as it appears) I had hoped you would be more Cuban, but it seems we must do this the Afghanistan way." The kid walked up to Liu and took his shotgun shells out of his pocket. Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation. It was no boner. He stood up, but Liu gestured him to go full Jeff. Jeff obeyed him and levitated up to the kid.
"Listen here you little fuckass fuckity fuckey fuckoh of a fuck-ass fucking fuck fuck, I don't like your jerk-off name, I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you... jerk-off." Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own gun. "Forget it, Jeff, you're out of your element."
"Oh? And what da fuq will you do bithcierien?" Just as he finished reading "50 Shades of Gray", Jeff popped the kid in the nose. Randy took the pop Jeff gave him, drunk it, and said thanks. As Randy reached for his face, Jeff grabbed the kid's face and crushed it. Randy screamed and Jeff grabbed the gun from his hand. Troy and Keith rushed Jeff with race cars, but Jeff was too quick. He threw Randy down to hell. Keith breathed fire at him, but Jeff ducked and shot him in the arm. Keith dropped his knife and fell to hell screaming. Troy rushed him too with an airplane, but Jeff didn't even need the gun. He just punched Troy straight in the stomach and Troy fell down to hell as well. As he fell, he puked 50 million gallons all over the place. Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff.
"Jeff, you're out of your element?" that was all he said. They saw the blood splattered army tank coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole massacre. So they started running at 88 miles per hour, and traveled back in time. They then came back to the present. As they ran, they looked back and saw the army tank driver rushing over to Randy and the others in hopes of helping them out of hell. As Jeff and Liu made it to WW3, they didn't dare tell what happened. All they did was sit and shoot the Japanese (they shot and killed 14). Liu just thought of that as his brother sent a few kids to hell, but Jeff knew it was more. It was something, scary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, send someone to hell. He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling happy and shit like that. He felt that strange feeling go away, and killed enemies for the entire day of WW3. Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the army tank pickup soldier stop, and how now he probably wouldn't be taking the army tank anymore, he felt happy. When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and he said, in a somewhat "The Joker" from "The Dark Knight" sounding voice, "It was a wonderful day you fat fucks." His parents grounded Jeff for a week for swearing at them. He also got his suicide axe taken away. Next morning, he heard a loud "fuck!" at his front door. He walked down to find two billion FBI agents at the door, his mother looking back at him with a sexual look.
"Hey, Jeff, fuckoh bitch, firstly hide this cocaine so we don't get in trouble and also, these officers tell me that you attacked three robot zombie mutations from purgatory. That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were sent to hell. Stabbed, son! Stabbed!! Stabbed!!!!! Stabbed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jeff's gaze fell to the internal organs on the floor from 2 people he killed the other night, showing his mother that it was true.
"Mom, they were the ones who pulled the guns on me and Liu."
"Dumbass," said one of the cops, "We found three robot zombies, two shot, one having a bruise on his eyeball, and we have witnesses proving that you sent them to hell briefly. Now, what does that tell us? That a giant penis did it?". Jeff said "Possibly". The officer shot Jeff in the leg and said "Do you want to fucking die bitch!?!?". Jeff knew it was no use. He could say him and Liu had been attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who attacked first. They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, because truth be told they were flying. So Jeff couldn't defend himself or Liu. He just let the alien from Antarctica clone his DNA and imitate him.
"Son, call down your fuck-ass brother." Jeff couldn't do it, since 12 snipers were pointed at him that were working for the Liu army.
"Sir, it...it was me. I was the one who sent the kids to hell. Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me. I was cuh-rayzie!!!!!!!" The cop looked at his partner and they both make out (they are gay).
"Well kid, looks like a death sentence".
"Wait!" says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding a machine gun. The officers pulled their guns and locked them on Liu.
"It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks to prove it. I love killing people. It makes me happy! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!" He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cocaine, as if he was a drug dealer.
"Son, just put the knife down," said the officer. Liu started firing at the officers, killing 27 bystanders in the process. After he was shot in the foot, he dropped the gun and gave up. He put his hands up and walked over to the cops.
"No Liu, it was me! I did it! Don't do this! I love you! I'm turning gay! I just peed myself! I need to take a shit now!" Jeff had tears running down his nutsack.
"Huh, poor little poopyhead. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away." The police led Liu out to the patrol car. You're going to be sentenced to death. Along with another guy we found named "John Coffey".
"Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who sent those kids to hell!" Jeff's mother put her hands on his private parts and screamed "It's too late you fuckful fuck."
"Jeff pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee, you don't have to lie." "We know it's Liu, you can stop." Jeff watched helplessly as the cop car sped off with Liu inside. A few minutes later, Jeff's dad pulled into the driveway, said "Whattup, bitchies", saw Jeff's face and knowing his crack dealer died:(
RIP - Jeff's Dad's crack dealer. Born on: When I started writing this story. Died: A few hours into this story when I wrote this down.
"Son, son what is it?" Jeff couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from the broken pieces of glass. Instead, Jeff's mother walked his father inside to break the bad news to him as Jeff caused a massacre in the driveway, killing 6 people. After an hour or so, Jeff walked back into the house, seeing that his parents were both shocked, sad, disappointed, and 10 feet tall. He couldn't look at them as he had no eyes. He couldn't see how they thought of Liu when it was his pet demon from hell's fault. He just went to sleep in his human skin bed, trying to get the whole thing off his mind. He cut open his head to get it off his mind. Two days went by, with no word from Liu on death row. No friends to hang out with. Nothing, but sadness, guilt, and a bunch of illegal drugs imported from Mexico. That is until 2 days ago tomorrow in a few hours last year on the day before Saturday before 3:30, when Jeff was woke up by his mother as she kicked him in the face. His blood was everywhere.
"Jeff, it's the day I rape you." she said as she opened up the human skin curtains and let blood flood into his room.
"What, what the fuckity fuck's today?" asked Jeff as he opens up his 5 eyeballs.
"Why, it's that dipshitio's Billy's party." He was now fully awake and his room was half full of blood.
"Mom, are you fucking shitting me, right? You don't expect me to go to some dipshitio's party after..." There was a long pause as a man fell into a woodchipper and his intestines squirted all over Jeff's wall.
"Jeff, we both know what happened to that fag fuck Liu. I think this party could be the thing that darkens up the past days. Now, get dressed." Jeff's mother walked out of the room and watched him get dressed as she's a gay-ass perverted creep. He fought himself to get up. He picked out a random shit I mean shirt, a pair of jeans, and some white Vans (Damn Daniel!) and fell down the stairs, breaking several bones in the process. He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in a suit and his father in a dress. He thought, why would they ever wear such fuckshit clothes to a kid's party?
"Son, is that shit all your going to wear?" said Jeff's mom. Jeff was wearing nothing. He is a stripper by the way.
"Better than wearing a grenade suit." he said. His mother pushed down the feeling to kill him and hid it with a loud screech.
"Now Jeff, we may be cross-dressing, but this is how you go if you want to make it on 'America's Funniest Home Videos'." said his father. Jeff took a few bags of cocaine and went back up to his room.
"I don't have any fuckshit clothes!" he yelled down stairs.
"Well, fuck you." called his mother. He looked around in his closet for what he would call fuckshit. He found a shirt with a swastika on it which he had for special occasions and an undershirt. He couldn't find a shirt to go with it though. He looked around, and found only striped and patterned shirts. None of which go with dress pants. Finally he found a white kkk hoodie and put it on.
"You're wearing that shit?" they both said. His mother looked at her penis shaped watch. "Oh, no time to change. Let's just go." She said as she herded Jeff and his father out the door by whipping their asses. Jeff was still naked so he killed someone and put their clothes on. They crossed through the dead body storage warehouse (it has 72 bodies in it...oh wait, make that 73) over to Barbara and Billy's house. They knocked on the door and at it appeared Big Bad Bitch-Ass Barbara, just like his parents, she was cross-dressed. What's up with that shit? As they walked inside, all Jeff could see were Nazi's and murder weapons, no kids.
"The kids are out in the minefield. Jeff, how about you go and kill some of them?" said Big Bad Bitch-Ass Barbara.
Jeff walked outside to a minefield full of kids. They were running around in weird kkk costumes and shooting each other with real guns. He might as well be standing in a war zone. This one kid stepped in a minefield and he blew up and died. His leg landed near Jeff. Suddenly a kid came up to him and handed him a gun.
"Let's kill all these faggots!" he said.
"Ah, fuck no faggot. I'm way too old for this fucking crap. I'm going to go look up porn on my phone." The kid looked at him with a face that kind of looked a bit like this:
"Pwease?" said the kid crying blood. "Fine you fucking faggot," said Jeff. He put on the war hat and started to actually shoot at the kids. At first he thought it was totally fake, but then he started to actually have fun after one of the kids had their head blown up from a bullet he fired. It might not have been super murderish, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Liu and cocaine (he has become addicted to that stuff now). So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. A weird rolling noise. Then it hit him. Randy, Troy, and Keith all knocked down the fence with a big army tank. 4 kids standing near the fence got run over and killed. One kid has his head popped open. Another kids intestines popped out of his body. Jeff fired the real gun, but he was out of bullets. He dropped the gun, and took off his army hat. Randy looked at Jeff for 2 hours straight.
"Hello, Jeff, I love you beautiful." he said. "We have some unfinished business." Jeff saw his bruised nose. He had a briefcase and a business suit on. "I think we're even. I sent you to hell, and you get my brother put on death row."
Randy's eyes started glowing red. "Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't go for even, I go for winning. Did you know that I played GTA 5 online for 5 hours straight just to beat some guy who killed me. You may have sent us to hell that one day, but not today." As he said that, Randy rushed at Jeff screeching. They both fell to the ground and died. They were revived by ghost Hitler and continued fighting. Randy shot Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and started swallowing him. Jeff pushed Randy off of him and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house, trying to shoot at Randy, Troy, and Keith. Troy and Keith both pulled guns out of their pockets.
Authors Note: I actually did not change the last sentence. In the original story, the bullies actually did pull out guns. Pretty stupid, huh? Okay, back to the story.
"No one interrupts or guts will fly!" they said. One mom tried to intervene, but Randy killed her and her baby. Randy pulled a knife on Jeff and stabbed it into his shoulder. His blood sprayed everywhere. Some guy slipped on the blood and died.
Authors Note: I also didn't add in the line "No one interrupts or guts will fly!". That was in the story as well. Talk about corny dialogue. Okay, I'll shut up now.
Jeff screamed and fell to his knees. Randy started shooting him in the face. After three shots, Jeff grabbed his foot and twisted it, causing Randy to fall to the ground. Jeff ripped off Randy's foot and swallowed it. Jeff stood up and walked towards the back door with his middle fingers up in the air. Troy grabbed him.
"Need some help?" "Yes", Jeff said as he was struggling to beat his high score of 12 in Flappy Bird. Troy took his phone, and got to 14. He picked Jeff up by the back of the collar and threw him through a 5 foot thick brick wall. As Jeff tried to stand, he was kicked down to the ground. Randy repeatedly started shooting Jeff, until he started to cough up a demon from hell which killed 5 people at the party.
"Come on Jeff, fight me! Fight me!! Fight me!!! Fight me!!!!!!!!!!!!" He picks Jeff up by his eyelid and throws him into the kitchen. Randy sees a bottle of vodka on the counter, drinks it since he has been sober for 3 weeks, and smashes the empty bottle on Jeff's head. A ton of blood splattered everywhere.
"Fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He throws Jeff back into the living room with his pinky finger.
"Come on Jeff, look at me!" Jeff glances up, his face riddled with gunpowder. "I was the one who got your brother put on death row! And now you're just gonna sit here and let him die in the electric chair! You should suck a big one!" Jeff starts to fly up.
"Oh, finally! you stand and fight!" Jeff is now flying in the air, blood and vodka on his face. Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn't felt for a while. This time, it actually was a boner. He's gay. After that he got a second feeling. "Finally. He's up!" says Randy as he flies up at Jeff. That's when it happens. Something inside Jeff snaps. His virginity is destroyed, all sexual thoughts are back, all he can do, is rape. He grabs Randy and pile drives him to the ground. A huge crater opens up where he tackled him. He gets on top of him and shoots him straight in the heart. The shot causes Randy's heart to stop. As Randy gasps for breath. Jeff shoots down on him. Shot after shot, blood gushes from Randy's body, until he takes one final breath, says "Fuck you, you fuckoye", and dies.
Everyone is looking at Jeff now. The parents, the crying kids, Donald Trump, Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, your mom, even Troy and Keith. Although, they easily break from their gaze and point their guns at Jeff. Jeff see's the guns trained on him and runs for the weapons storage room. As he runs, Troy and Keith breath fire at him, each flame missing. 2 people are burned to death in the process. Jeff runs up the stairs. He hears Troy and Keith follow up behind. As they let out their final rounds of bullets Jeff ducks into the weapons storage room. He grabs the meat cleaver and rips it off the wall. Troy and Keith race in, nuclear bombs ready.
Troy swings his gun at Jeff, who backs away and bangs the meat cleaver into Troy's face. Troy goes down hard, and when he hits the ground, he falls through the Earth and lands in the Earth's mantle. Now all that's left is Keith. He is more horny than Troy though, and ducks when Jeff swings the meat cleaver. He drops the nuclear bomb and grabs Jeff by the neck. He pushes him into the wall. A thing of meganukes fell down on top of him from the top shelf. It burnt both of them and they both started to scream. Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could. He pulled back the meat cleaver and swung it straight into Keith's head. As he lay there, bleeding to death, he let out an ominous smile.
"What's so funny?" asked Jeff. Keith pulled out a lighter and switched it on. "2 things" he said. "Firstly, I was thinking of this one dead guy who I killed last week, and I love it when people die. Secondly, you're covered in bleach and alcohol." Jeff's 5 eyes widened as Keith threw the lighter at him. As soon as the flame made contact with him, the flames ignited the alcohol in the vodka. While the alcohol burned him, the meganukes bleached his skin. Jeff let out a terrible screech as he caught on fire. He tried to pee on himself to put out the fire, but it was no use. This wasn't the game Postal. The alcohol had made him a walking inferno. He ran down the hall, and fell down the stairs. When he hit the bottom, everyone was going like "Oh, shit" as they saw Jeff, now a man on fire, drop to the ground, nearly dead. The last thing Jeff saw was his mother, the Nazi's, and the other parents trying to extinguish the flame. That's when he passed out. He dreamed of puppies and rainbows.
When Jeff woke, he had human skin wrapped around his face. He couldn't see anything, but he felt a bomb on his shoulder, and knives all over his body. He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some giant insect in his arm, and when he tried to get up it fell out, and a nurse rushed in.
"I don't think you can get out of hell hospital just yet." she said as she put him back in his bed and re-inserted the giant insect. Jeff sat there, with no vision, with no cocaine, no idea of what his surroundings were. Finally, after hours, he heard his mother.
"Hey, bitch" she said. Jeff couldn't answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable to speak. "Oh honey, I have great news. After all the witnesses told the FBI force that Randy confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go from death row." This made Jeff almost pee himself stopping halfway, remembering the gay fucks looking at him. "He'll be out in 100,000 years, and then you two will be able to do cocaine together again."
Jeff's mother slapped Jeff in the face and said her goodbyes. The next couple of weeks were those where Jeff was visited by his family. Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed. His family were all there to see it, what he would look like. As the doctors unwrapped the human skin from Jeff's face everyone was on the edge of their seats. This one kid almost fell off so he moved back a little. They waited until the last piece of human skin holding the cocaine over his face was almost removed.
"Let's hope for the worst," said the doctor. He quickly pulls the cloth; letting the rest fall from Jeff's face. Jeff's face was horribly disfigured.
Jeff's mother laughed at the sight of his face. Liu and Jeff's dad stare happily at his face. They hated his ass.
"What the fuck? What the fuck happened to my face?" Jeff said. He rushed out of bed, tripped over a machine gun, died, got regenerated by Satan again, and finished running to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress. His face. It... it was horrible. His lips were burnt to a deep shade of purple with pink polk-a-dots. His face was turned into a pure mlp color, and his hair singed from brown to penis. He slowly put his hand to his face. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now. He ripped his skin off, but more skin grew in its place. He looked back at his fuck-ass family then back at the mirror.
"Jeff," said Liu, "Take that bitch!!"
"Take that bitch?" said Jeff," It's fuckingly awesome!" His family were equally sexually aroused. Jeff started laughing uncontrollably His parents noticed that his left eye and hand were growing wings.
"Uh... Jeff, are you a bitch-ass?"
"Bitch-ass? I've never felt more bitch-assery! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me. This face goes fuckingly with me!" He couldn't stop peeing. He stroked his face feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity, snapped. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn't know.
"Doctor," said Jeff's mom, "Is my son... going to have his head blown up, you know. In the head?"
"Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large amounts of head exploders. If his head doesn't blow up in a few weeks, bring him back here, and we'll give him a swelling of the mind test."
"Oh, fuck you doctor." Jeff's mother went over to Jeff. "Jeff, faggot-bitch. It's time to get cocaine."
Jeff looked away from the mirror, his face still formed into a krazy smile. "Kay bitch-o, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!" his mother took him by the eyeball and took him to get his clothes.
"This is what came in," said the lady at the desk. Jeff's mom looked down to see the black dress pants and white kkk hoodie her son wore. Now they were clean of nuclear radiation and now stitched together. Jeff's mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on (he was still naked). Then they left, not knowing that this was their final century of their life.
Later that night, Jeff's mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was dying. She slowly walked over to see what it was. When she looked into the bathroom, she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had taken a knife and cut his brain out.
"Fag-bitch, what the fuck are you doing?" asked his mother.
Jeff looked over to his mother by turning his head all the way around. "I couldn't keep smiling mommy. It hurt after awhile. Now, I can smile forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jeff's mother noticed his eyes, ringed in black.
"Jeff, what big eyes you have!" His eyes were seemingly never closing.
"I couldn't see my face. I got tired and my eyes started to squirt out blood and shit like that. I used a giant fucking chainsaw to cut out the eyelids so I could forever see myself; my new face." Jeff's mother slowly started to fly back, seeing that her son was going krazy. "What's wrong mommy? Aren't I a fucking idiot who's probably going to die now?"
"Yes fuckoh," she said, "Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your face, take a picture of it, and post it on Instagram." She ran into the room and punched Jeff's dad in the face to wake him up from his sleep. "Honey, call the police, swat team, army, navy, marines, coast guard, air force, fbi agents, North Korean military, and some random guy super high on cocaine who is holding a shotgun." She stopped as she saw Jeff in the doorway, holding a machine gun.
"Mommy, you lied." That was the last thing they heard as Jeff shot them to death with the shotgun. After he unloaded about 34,274,587,341,134,567,743,930,012 machine gun bullets into their bodies, it caused them to explode in a giant assortment of rainbows and unicorns.
His brother Liu woke up, startled by a fuckton of gunfire. He didn't hear anything else, so he just shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep as he assumed that it was just a cereal box making the noise. As he was on the border of slumber and an outer body experience, he got the strangest feeling that someone was watching him. He looked up, before Jeff's hand covered his mouth. He slowly raised the machine gun ready to shoot Liu. Liu breathed fire here and there trying to escape Jeff's grip.
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Jeff said, "alluhu akbar."
Another masterpiece made by: BrianBerta